A brief field guide on digital parasites...

Greetings, Traveler.

Within hours of opening a new signal node on the public internet, you can reliably expect contact from a particular lifeform. It travels in packs, speaks exclusively in vague promises, and feeds on small businesses the way parasites do.

You know the type:

• “I reviewed your store.”
• “I noticed subtle gaps.”
• “I can unlock hidden revenue.”
• “I can boost conversions.”
• “I can do the complete setup.”

This creature has never once pointed to an actual page on your site. It cannot name a single product. It cannot describe a real problem. It can, however, sense fresh Shopify paint from several galaxies away.

1) We do not hire from cold email.
Not because we’re mean. Because we’re busy building a reality-adjacent storefront that looks like a transmission node. That takes time. Also, because cold outreach is mostly a numbers game, and we are not a number. We are a glitch.

2) We do not grant access to our systems.
We do not share passwords. We do not add strangers as admins. We do not “just install this app real quick.” We do not connect our billing to your feelings.
If your business model requires our login credentials before you can explain what you do, congratulations. You have invented digital pickpocketing.

3) If you are legitimate, you can prove it.
In the extremely rare event that you are a real human with a real skillset and not a haunted template wearing a Gmail address, we have a simple verification process:

• Three specific issues you found (URL + what you would change + why)
• Two examples of work with measurable outcomes (before/after)
• Your website, legal business name, and location
• A fixed-price proposal with deliverables

If you cannot do this, it is okay. Many lifeforms cannot.

4) A note on “conversion.”
We love conversion. We also love gravity. Both are forces that exist whether or not you email strangers about them.
But this store is not built to trick people into buying things. It’s built to broadcast signals. If that resonates, people buy. If it doesn’t, no amount of funnel alchemy will convince someone to purchase an identity.

5) Final warning to the species.
If you are reading this because you were about to send us a message beginning with “Hello, am I speaking with the store owner,” please understand:

• We are the store owner.
• We are also the spam filter.
• We are also tired.

Now, Traveler, let us move along.